"Which of my all important nothings should I tell you first?" ~ Jane Austen, in a letter to her sister

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Don't forget your doubt

I have a story for you.

(I love to tell stories. They are the patchwork of our life-quilts). 

As you read here, I have insecurities. Those insecurities are a big part of why I haven't shared this blog with a wide audience. I'm testing the overall response, but I'm also finding my blog voice (if you know what I mean). I want to see what value, what information, what anecdotes (that are relevant), that I can share with an audience. Will I be funny/witty or serious/educational? I hope to be somewhere in between. 

I'm slightly introspective. Perhaps you can't tell.

Here's the story part. My boss and I are sort of friends. As much as bosses/employees can be that are male/female without any hanky-panky going on.

To be clear: no hanky or panky occurs - at all - ever.

I had not mentioned my blog to him. It's something I normally would have mentioned but I felt odd about it.

One of my boss's favorite activities is to psychoanalyze why people do and say the things they do. He's a student of human nature and figuring out what makes people tick is something he and I both think about and enjoy. (Woe to our co-workers, right? Ha! Not really - we're more theoretical.)

He was recently gone on a trip and we were really busy immediately before and after that so we hadn't had a chance to just chat in a while. Last week I went into his office and he said, "tell me a story." 

So, I told him. 

I told him I started this blog last year and how I felt about it. I told him about Joni's blog and how it had influenced me (good and bad) and I told him about connecting with Joni and the blog she wrote on sisterhood.

So my boss said to me, "Why are you so nervous about this? You're telling me this very hesitantly. Why?" Why, indeed?

Well, because I don't want to be judged! I am trying to get over that though. I mean, part of blogging is being real, right? Putting yourself out there - telling stories - and hoping they resonate with other people. I need to be brave and stop worrying about being judged. I'm trying.

In the end my boss was very encouraging. He pushed me to keep doing it and to really think about an overall message. What I want to convey. What's the point to my stories. Confound the man. (Let's see: empowerment, honesty, sisterhood? I'm thinking along these lines. Work in progress. Moving on.) 

The next day when my boss came in to work he sent me the following lyrics to an Avett Brothers' song, Weight of Lies:
I once heard the worst thing
A man could do is draw a hungry crowd
Tell everyone his name in pride and confidence
But leave out his doubt
He said he had been thinking about how Joni's blog made me feel and then what Joni had written about in regard to sisterhood. He said he went back and listened to this song and the words clicked. 

We should show our insecurities as well as our strengths. Be real. We can't create an emotional connection through shared experiences without admitting our insecurities and our doubts. Everybody has them and that is where we have the power to bond.

So this is my promise to you: I will always be real.

(And I'll work on being brave too).

4 comments:

  1. I get you. There is an element of being judged, unfortunately. (did you see the comment on my Vickies post? Ouch.) I just decided to put myself out there. My thought was this, if there are women who feel alone, they should know they aren't.

    My new blog name (not yet revealed and currently under construction) is mommabare. Because I feel like baring it all is the only way to be real in the noise that is the internet.

    I hope you feel like you can too :)

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  2. Thanks Joni. I'm getting there slowly but surely. Yes, I saw that douchebag comment on your post. I liked Matt's response too.

    I like the new name! Can't wait to see the new blog. <3

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  3. In regards to the psychoanalyze comment - He just can't help himself. :) Wish you could have stayed in town longer. So if I make it your way this summer will you walk with me? :)

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  4. Nurgi - of course!! I know, I wish I could have been in the office longer this trip as well. I was getting the hard sell last night to relocate again. *sigh* Let's chat next week.

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