"Which of my all important nothings should I tell you first?" ~ Jane Austen, in a letter to her sister

Friday, December 31, 2010

On being busy

Started before Christmas:

Lucille Ball said:
If you want something done, ask a busy person to do it. The more things you do, the more you can do.
But I think she MUST have been talking about women only.  Not that I don't appreciate men, because I do - I really, really do (especially that cleft between their hip and groin area - swoon) - but I know very few that are good multi-taskers. Now that we are 4 days away from Christmas this multi-tasking deficiency is painfully obvious.

Christmas is CRAZY. Super-duper, going nuts, spending money, shopping, wrapping, picture-taking, printing, Christmas card mailing, party-attending crazy.

Finished after Christmas:

See what I mean about being busy? I couldn't even finish my blog about being busy! How ridiculous. Anyway, we got through Christmas fairly intact - though, to be honest, I totally crashed on day 4 of the festivities. It was after the last get together - the big one with the hubby's family in which I made cupcakes, cookies, deviled eggs, candied yams and mashed potatoes and took it all over to the in-laws' house for a 7 hour preparation, eating, gift-opening THING - that I came home and just nearly passed out. I laid on the sofa in my comfy clothes like a log. The next day was a work day and I started getting sick. The following day one of my lymph nodes was so swollen I couldn't swallow without significant pain. I went to the doctor - which goes to show how freaked out I was (OMG! What if it's cancer??) - and she said virus. That was two days ago and I'm definitely better today.

But that brings me to a very good point. My doctor lectured me because, she said, "I only see you when you're sick! How about coming in for a physical?" Ugh, who has time, or inclination, for that? Seriously, I'm too busy . . . right? Well, the right answer is no, I'm NOT too busy to work on my health. I just don't want to deal with it. It's not a simple thing - zip in and out - because there's the lab work first and the fasting with that, and then, inevitably, there is something more that needs to be done - like medicine to treat certain things or follow-up appointments and, perhaps the most dreaded, the conversation about a  "healthy weight". Well, yes, I know perfectly well what a healthy weight is and I know that I am not in that range. I really don't need the lecture and the guilt that follows. I swear, the guilt will kill me one of these days. (Side note: one time Poohbear's teacher asked me if I was Catholic because I had the guilt thing down pat). It's so unfair. I actually eat fairly healthy; by that I mean that I'm not a fast food person. We cook good food from scratch here. We eat lots of veggies and get our protein. We eat good carbs. BUT, chocolate is my Achilles heel. I have a relationship with chocolate, and with all GOOD food. I want MORE.

Which would all be okay if I balanced my food with exercise. I don't mind exercise when I do it; I actually feel really good afterward. I just can't seem to do it much. I'm so, so tired at the end of the day, and there's so much to do, I have trouble fitting it into my day. I want to relax and escape after a hard work day - not get my tennies on and get up on the elliptical. I already don't get enough sleep and I'm decidely NOT a morning person.

Yes, yes, excuse central - I know. One of these days I will suck it up and do it. Hopefully soon. For my health. Plus - ugh - my 20 year class reunion is in less than 3 years. I will ONLY go if I'm under 140 lbs. *sigh*

To sign off, though, I will add something positive - when I went to the doctor it was Dec 28 and she said the last time I was there was the previous January. I actually weighed 3 lbs less on this visit, 3 days after Christmas, than I weighed a year ago in January. That's something, right?

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Year to all. May we ALL have a prosperous 2011!! (Oh please, oh please, oh please!!) Mwah!
 


 

Friday, December 10, 2010

Photo Editing

I love to edit photos now. I take pics every chance I get and I play around with editing them through a tool I found online. I'm not really skilled but it's fun and I like it. It's a hobby, I guess. Here's some pics I've edited:


What's more fun than raking?

Beautiful boy

Fall in Boise


Leaf angels!


The fountain at sunset


Our house after (and during) a big snow

At the Madonna Inn

Up the Capitol steps

Persuasion

Here's that poem I promised you inspired by Anne Elliot from Persuasion:


Is it because she loved so deep?
Her love lying dormant and asleep;
Is it the years betwixt their sighting
That has born delusions alighting?

What would happen to the pair of them?
Alas, no pair in sight for hope has dimmed.
The fire that burned years hence
Dwindled to a kindle and lost all sense.

Oh! How that flame did burn so long ago;
And not so long, it seems, to forego
The dream, the fairytale scene;
But, no, not to be, inappropriate deemed.

Fairness, yes, unfortunately;
Moral obligation not taken lightly.
And yet the heart will do as it pleases;
It will weep, mourn and grieve until it releases.

The fire inside will diminish, in time;
Dear Lord, she begs, please hasten mine.
She bears it daily, hidden in her secret vault;
The pain is hers, and she alone is at fault. 

There are many secrets in a woman’s heart;
Buried, for safekeeping, if she’s smart.
Secrets, the solace of unrequited love
Like ashes, take flight on the wings of a dove.

Musings

I haven't posted in a while. I feel like my posts always need to have a specific purpose - like I need to have a reason to say what I want to say. But I don't think that's true, right? I can just say what's going on in my mind. That would be the purpose of this blog. It's not private but I also don't think anybody is reading it so why not?

I ask a lot of questions. It's just my way of talking. Some are rhetorical and some are not. Your choice. 

I'm still thinking about my mom & stepdad's visit. It was so awesome to have them here! Sometimes my mom drives me crazy but this time I was much more tolerant. It was easier for me to just appreciate her for who she is this time. Maybe I'm growing old? Maybe I'm just lonely and needed her here. She takes care of me, loves me unconditionally, doesn't get mad at me if I'm snippy and as I get older I am learning to appreciate her unconditional love more and more. 

I keep thinking about an opportunity that came my way and then, just as quickly, passed me by. It would have been so very good for us, in many ways, but there were some definite detriments. Could I have done it? Yeah, I think so. It's daunting but I think I would have found the strength and ability when needed. But its gone so it's better to just let it go. 

I'm falling behind on everything right now. I can feel myself escaping because I can't handle the sheer volume of stuff I need to do. They aren't all unpleasant tasks so I'm not sure what my problem is. Maybe a little bit of depression? I hear that's common at the holidays - though usually I'm happiest at Christmas time. My favorite time of year! This year I can't seem to get excited. I feel bad about myself because of so many different things and I'm having a hard time seeing past all my internal recriminations. 

Some of the people closest to me in my daily life are going through stressful times. They are ticking time bombs: unpredictable and capable of reacting in any way and at any time. I feel divided in two - I'm either the equalizer or I'm the time bomb myself.  It's been proven, by a bunch of scientific psychologists, I'm sure, that in the dynamic between two people there is one person who dictates the relationship at any given time. The other person equalizes or provides the balance. If one person is emotionally unstable (at that moment) then the other person acts as the counter-weight. If the other person doesn't equalize then we see incredible things happen - like those people who lose their minds and beat the crap out of each other, rob banks, or drive off cliffs. 

What's my point? Just this - if someone equalizes all the time then when do they get to express their emotions? Do they just suppress it and then it comes out later in myriad little rebellions? Or at inopportune times? I don't know the answer to that. Where's Dr. Sweets when I need him?  Yes, that was Bones reference. I freaking love that show. 


People are so complex. I love Bones, and the West Wing, and the Stieg Larsson books, and Jane Austen, mostly because of one uniting factor - they talk about people and what makes them tick. If I ever write a book it will be about people, relationships and how they react emotionally. 


Speaking of escaping, here's a little thing I wrote a while back:


Watch me, watch me!
See how I sigh?
And roll away my eye?
I just caught myself in a lie!

See me, do you see me?
I run and run and run
For me, that’s the key
To not come undone.