My blogging inspiration (AKA I'm so jealous I could spit)

A few months ago I was cruising around Facebook being nosy by clicking into friend's pages, looking at their friends, and so on (c'mon, you all do it), and I ran across a girl I knew of in high school. She's now married to a guy my best friend dated in high school. (See how that Facebook cruise went?) Anyway, she's a year older than me and I may have talked to her a couple times at school but likely not a lot. But I knew who she was. She was very pretty, had a gorgeous smile, and always seemed to have happiness inside. When I found myself looking at her Facebook pictures a few months ago, and then her blog, the happiness she had inside 18(ish) years ago was now magnified by infinity (and beyond). 

I started reading her blog. It was funny, witty, and she wrote the things I wanted to say. She is crafty - like I wish I still was - but she does it properly; she learned how to knit and crochet and she freaking makes knit hats and purses from old sweaters and scarves. Anyway, I stalked her blog for a couple weeks. I thought, my goodness, this woman must be so completely happy. She has everything she wants. She is now married to the love of her life (the love just POURS out of their pictures), they had a baby, she has 3 other gorgeous children, she has a supportive family, she's insanely talented and, as if that isn't enough, in my blog reading I found out that when she's not having babies she works as a hospice nurse. 

So, obviously, I had to stop reading her blog. I mean, I had to. The feelings of inadequacy just rolled over me and I nearly sobbed. (I may have actually shed a tear or two). (Side note: why do we women always hold ourselves up to other women to gauge our worth? It is so counter-productive. Why do we always think someone else's  life is so much better than our little lives?)


Anyway, I went about 6 weeks without reading her blog but every once in a while I would think of it. I would say, hmmm, think I should go read it? And the insecure chick that lives in my brain would say, "Hell no! What are you thinking?" Do you see? The mere thought that her perfect life existed was enough; I didn't even have to read her words to feel sorry for myself. 


But, at the same time - I started this blog because of her. I thought if I could just be 1/10th as talented as she is that would be a real accomplishment. She's doing it - she's doing her passion and I'm not. I had a really hard think. Soul-searching. All I ever wanted to do was be a writer. I don't think I'll ever be published but the least I can do is write this itty-bitty blog about my life. And it's because of her. I'm jealous and grateful all at the same time.

Then an odd thing happened. I went to her blog tonight for the first time in weeks and weeks and in her recent posts she distinctly said her life was not perfect. She admitted fears, real-life concerns about money, feelings of inadequacy because she's decided to temporarily quit nursing to be a SAHM, and she admitted to feeling a little lost. Part of me wants to reassure her - to tell her the powerful influence she had on me. The other part of me is rejoicing a little. I can't lie. She's not perfect. She's human. I still want to be just like her - but she's REAL. 


I wanted to send her a message to tell her what she did for me (to me) but I couldn't figure out how so I'm doing this instead. Joni - I am in AWE of you. You have raised 3 gorgeous children, divorced and found the man you love, and then gave birth at home to a 10 lb baby. You had the balls to do what was so absolutely right for you (and your family) and quit your job. You pursue your life and you absolutely LIVE it. I am inspired by you. 


I'll close, naturally, with a Jane Austen quote on sisterhood:

But we must stem the tide of malice, and pour into the wounded bosoms of each other, the balm of sisterly consolation.

Edited to add a link to Joni's blog: http://joni-ishouldwriteabook.blogspot.com/

On being busy

Started before Christmas:

Lucille Ball said:

If you want something done, ask a busy person to do it. The more things you do, the more you can do.

But I think she MUST have been talking about women only.  Not that I don't appreciate men, because I do - I really, really do (especially that cleft between their hip and groin area - swoon) - but I know very few that are good multi-taskers. Now that we are 4 days away from Christmas this multi-tasking deficiency is painfully obvious.

Christmas is CRAZY. Super-duper, going nuts, spending money, shopping, wrapping, picture-taking, printing, Christmas card mailing, party-attending crazy.

Finished after Christmas:

See what I mean about being busy? I couldn't even finish my blog about being busy! How ridiculous. Anyway, we got through Christmas fairly intact - though, to be honest, I totally crashed on day 4 of the festivities. It was after the last get together - the big one with the hubby's family in which I made cupcakes, cookies, deviled eggs, candied yams and mashed potatoes and took it all over to the in-laws' house for a 7 hour preparation, eating, gift-opening THING - that I came home and just nearly passed out. I laid on the sofa in my comfy clothes like a log. The next day was a work day and I started getting sick. The following day one of my lymph nodes was so swollen I couldn't swallow without significant pain. I went to the doctor - which goes to show how freaked out I was (OMG! What if it's cancer??) - and she said virus. That was two days ago and I'm definitely better today.

But that brings me to a very good point. My doctor lectured me because, she said, "I only see you when you're sick! How about coming in for a physical?" Ugh, who has time, or inclination, for that? Seriously, I'm too busy . . . right? Well, the right answer is no, I'm NOT too busy to work on my health. I just don't want to deal with it. It's not a simple thing - zip in and out - because there's the lab work first and the fasting with that, and then, inevitably, there is something more that needs to be done - like medicine to treat certain things or follow-up appointments and, perhaps the most dreaded, the conversation about a  "healthy weight". Well, yes, I know perfectly well what a healthy weight is and I know that I am not in that range. I really don't need the lecture and the guilt that follows. I swear, the guilt will kill me one of these days. (Side note: one time Poohbear's teacher asked me if I was Catholic because I had the guilt thing down pat). It's so unfair. I actually eat fairly healthy; by that I mean that I'm not a fast food person. We cook good food from scratch here. We eat lots of veggies and get our protein. We eat good carbs. BUT, chocolate is my Achilles heel. I have a relationship with chocolate, and with all GOOD food. I want MORE.

Which would all be okay if I balanced my food with exercise. I don't mind exercise when I do it; I actually feel really good afterward. I just can't seem to do it much. I'm so, so tired at the end of the day, and there's so much to do, I have trouble fitting it into my day. I want to relax and escape after a hard work day - not get my tennies on and get up on the elliptical. I already don't get enough sleep and I'm decidely NOT a morning person.

Yes, yes, excuse central - I know. One of these days I will suck it up and do it. Hopefully soon. For my health. Plus - ugh - my 20 year class reunion is in less than 3 years. I will ONLY go if I'm under 140 lbs. *sigh*

To sign off, though, I will add something positive - when I went to the doctor it was Dec 28 and she said the last time I was there was the previous January. I actually weighed 3 lbs less on this visit, 3 days after Christmas, than I weighed a year ago in January. That's something, right?

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Year to all. May we ALL have a prosperous 2011!! (Oh please, oh please, oh please!!) Mwah!

 

 

Photo Editing

I love to edit photos now. I take pics every chance I get and I play around with editing them through a tool I found online. I'm not really skilled but it's fun and I like it. It's a hobby, I guess. Here's some pics I've edited:

What's more fun than raking?

Beautiful boy

Fall in Boise

Leaf angels!

The fountain at sunset

Our house after (and during) a big snow

At the Madonna Inn

Up the Capitol steps

Persuasion

Here's that poem I promised you inspired by Anne Elliot from Persuasion:

Is it because she loved so deep?

Her love lying dormant and asleep;

Is it the years betwixt their sighting

That has born delusions alighting?

What would happen to the pair of them?

Alas, no pair in sight for hope has dimmed.

The fire that burned years hence

Dwindled to a kindle and lost all sense.

Oh! How that flame did burn so long ago;

And not so long, it seems, to forego

The dream, the fairytale scene;

But, no, not to be, inappropriate deemed.

Fairness, yes, unfortunately;

Moral obligation not taken lightly.

And yet the heart will do as it pleases;

It will weep, mourn and grieve until it releases.

The fire inside will diminish, in time;

Dear Lord, she begs, please hasten mine.

She bears it daily, hidden in her secret vault;

The pain is hers, and she alone is at fault. 

There are many secrets in a woman’s heart;

Buried, for safekeeping, if she’s smart.

Secrets, the solace of unrequited love

Like ashes, take flight on the wings of a dove.